


to love narcissus

by kidcorvid



Category: Original Work
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 08:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kidcorvid/pseuds/kidcorvid
Summary: it's okay, because it's you.





	to love narcissus

**Author's Note:**

> this is me venting about my emotionally abusive best friend of 3 years who i cut off in late 2018. i never really got closure for it, so this is part of me attempting to come to terms with how i felt during that friendship and how much it fucked me up.
> 
> song lyrics taken from [anyone who knows what love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_K9xsSdgMs) is by irma thomas.

_You can blame me_

_Try to shame me_

_And still I’ll care for you_

it was always my fault, of course. never you, never you. you weren’t perfect, but you did always have a way of being right about…everything, now that I think about it. it was always someone else’s fault, or maybe you weren’t yourself and you made an understandable mistake, or maybe everyone’s interpreting things the wrong way and it actually went like _this, _or maybe it looks bad but actually, you’re justified in what you did. never you, never your fault.

it was mine when i left. it was my fault when i wrote you a goodbye note and taped it to your door explaining everything you’d done to me when i was too starstruck to pay attention. it was my fault when i cried myself to sleep for weeks, too stung by your response to live with myself. it was my fault when you told everyone that i laughed at your pain when i was paralyzed with fear. it was my fault when i gained some autonomy and started living life for myself instead of for you, when i started _acting weird_. always, always my fault.

_You can run around_

_Even put me down  
_

_Still I’ll be there for you_

but it’s okay, because it’s you. because it’s you, it’s okay. i ripped myself open to make you laugh, but it was for you. it was okay. every day, i smiled a rictus grin and played along as you tore my emotional state apart for cheap entertainment. i was a rotting jack-o-lantern, painted smiles over complete emptiness, as i gave you _everything _in me to get _nothing _back, but because it was you, it was okay. you toyed with me and used me as an instant validation machine because i was too starstruck and terrified to ever say no and you never _once_ thought to give me the same slavish dedication but you know? it was okay. because it was you, it was okay. it was always okay, because it was only you.

_The world_

_May think I’m foolish_

_They can’t see you_

_Like I can_

i wonder how much i lost out on because of you. i wonder how many years of healthy attention and love i’ll never get back, how many tender moments i’ll never experience, how many fleeting high school moments i’ll never recover. i wonder how many people thought i was a monster for associating myself with you, wonder how many people knew just how much i _knew. _everyone had a hazy notion of how awful you were, but i saw it all in vivid technicolor. i was disgusted, horrified at what you tried to put me through, at what you _did _put me through. but it was okay. because it was you. i convinced myself that it was okay; this is just how it is with you, this is the natural way of things. you were special. the normal rules didn’t apply, because you were just _you. _i was too blinded by your charm to realize it was just your ego glowing. i couldn’t let you go, and _god_ the only thing that hurt more than your harsh words at our parting was that that i had to leave in the first place.

_Oh but anyone_

_Who knows what love is_

_Will understand_

i loved you.

i deserve better than you.


End file.
